consumer scam #342

We have been making a feeble attempt to grill with a little charcoal grill. Using this grill usually goes like this.

1) Pour the charcoal into the grill.
2) Douse the charcoal with hyperflammable liquid.
3) Cover eyes, strike match.
4) KAAAAPOOOOOOOF!!!! Sometimes half-broiled pigeons fall from the sky at this point.
5) Nothing. After a flameout that would do an F16 pilot proud, nothing. Chicken turns gray, maybe, but nothing truly gets grilled.

I've had enough. Tonight I went to buy a gas grill. I ended up at the local big box store where they were running a special - buy a grill and get a free tank of propane. I fall for it and sign on the dotted line. Here, we enter the conversation already in progress.
"I'd like my free propane tank."

"You don't get a free propane tank. You get a free propane refill."

"Refill of what? I don't have a propane tank."

"You're gonna need one. You just bought a propane grill."

"I know. I bought the grill because I thought I got a free propane tank."

"You don't get a free propane tank. You get a free propane refill."

"Uh, so I have to buy the empty tank?"

"You can't buy an empty tank. You have to buy a full tank."

"So do I get a coupon to refill it when it's empty?"

"So long as you empty it before the promotion is over."

"When's that?"

To add insult to grilling injury, when I went to take delivery of the beast, it wouldn't fit in the station wagon I'd borrowed.

I needed to take an unassembled one, still in the box. The guy who loaded it told me they could be assembled in about an hour, but the way he grinned when he said it leads me to believe that it's dog hours, which is about 7 human hours.

Oh well. I guess I have my work cut out for me. At least our chicken won't taste like lighter fluid next time, eh Kelsey? :)


Mikie3toes said...

I can supervise the assembly. I can also supervise when you use it. (hint, hint

Seriously, though, if it's got two burners, I can show you how to make it a smoker. (You don't have to alter anything.)

Eric said...

Get a spray bottle or you could have 911 on speed dial just in case you have a good ol Nebraska greese fire

Charlie said...

Dude, I am really disappointed - on at least two levels!

First, how dare you use that foul, nasty, not to mention, dangerous lighter fluid?!?!?! It's all about the chunk hardwood characoal, a section's worth of newspaper, a couple of matches, and a charcoal starting chimney thingy! No foul fluid flavor, no singed body parts, just great grilled taste. From charcoal - the way God intended!

And second, all that disparaging stuff about lighter fluid in the above paragraph? It applies equally to the propane grill, Hank Hill's livelihood notwithstanding!

Real men grill with charcoal! :)

Randy Bohlender said...


I knew one dude who had a Nebraska fire and ended up standing in the driveway in his boxers. No joke. Stop! Drop! & Roll!

Ronni said...

dude, charcoal is the ONLY way to go... REAL charcoal... and learn how to light it... in a chimney.... yes there really IS something called that and it saves your eyebrows...

...oh yeah... and you don't have to buy a tank. :D

Ronni said...

ooops didn't read charlie....

yup... what he said...