Office of the Presidential Candidate
Thursday, January 25, 2007
The past twenty four hours have been a whirlwind in our campaign. Since naming you as my running mate, nearly everything that can go wrong has gone wrong.
I cannot adequately express to you how grevious these errors are for our campaign. We have assured our supporters that "Together, we can make a mess." You are apparently subverting the team effort by making a serious mess on your own.
- While making a speech in Detroit, you rented a Kia to get from their airport to the UAW headquarters.
- You referred to Massachussets as "One of those dinky, throw-away states out east."
- When introduced to the former leader of the United Nations, Kofi Annan, you snort-laughed and said "Kofi? You want cream with that?"
If tomorrow does not get better, we shall be forced to publicize the fact that you hired Jono Combrink to do your laundry and failed to withhold his social security. This is the very sort of thing that tanked Zoe Baird's bid for the Supreme Court.
Do not think for a moment that we would not distance ourselves from your nomination and replace you with someone who could successfully complete a 50-states map without having to use Mapquest.
Tomorrow is another day. May it be better than today.
Candidate for President
TOP SECRET - INTEROFFICE CAMPAIGN MEMO
Much to our horror, the following memo was leaked to FOX News, MSNBC, and the Food Channel late this evening.