It's official. I'm in the ring.

I would like to use this opportunity to announce my entry into the race for the presidency of the United States. In recent days, Senators Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama both announced their candidacy. Looking across the political landscape, I realized that I had as good a chance as any, arguably better.

Rather than give you high minded answers to substantial, legitimate questions, allow me to give you a couple of phrases that you'll be hearing from my campaign staff in the months to come.

I'm a divider, not a uniter.
Unity is all the rage right now, what with a Republican White House and Democrat Everything Else in Washington Including the Toll Booth Operators. Both sides are claiming to be eager to work together to move forward. I say baloney. Goverment moving forward is the last thing we want. If elected, I promise four years of gridlock. In many cases, the less government does, the better.

One Alien, One Vote.
In good faith toward our legal aliens, I propose that everyone in this country from another country - at least one we're not at war with - is allowed one vote prior to becoming a US citizen. If they later choose to become a citizen, they need to sit one election out just to be fair. This deal does not apply to illegal aliens, who by nature of the phrase, were illegal before they were alien. I am also open to package voting that allows felons who have lost voting priveliges to vote as a package with other felons, at the rate of 5 felons to one vote, just to keep it interesting.

No Chai Left Behind Act
It is also my intention to enact legislation forbiding coffee houses from reusing the previous day's supplies, guaranteeing your coffee or tea will be both hot AND fresh in the morning.

My name is Randy Bohlender, and I'm running for President. I hope I can count on your vote - or the block vote of you and your friends - in 2008.
Together, we can make a mess.


Questions from the press will be entertained and perhaps addressed in the comment section. Be sure to state your name and the organization for which you are reporting. Thank you and good night.


Jack Bing said...

Mr. Bohlender have you thought about a campaign manager? I'm highly qualified, I worked with Michael Decaucus in 88, and with Ross Perot during both tries I feel confident I can get you where you need to be... I'm thinking a Brewster's Millions type approach, "the Non-vote" ...let me know...my people will get in touch with your people. thank you

Randy Bohlender said...

Mr Bing
Thank you for your interest in a role as my campaign manager. I believe I remember your work with Dukakis. I feel you may have done better with that campaign had you learned to spell the candidates name. Was it your idea to have him drive that tank?
Right now, I'm looking for a VP candidate, a press secretary, and a limo driver.
Together, we can make a mess -
Randy Bohlender

Nathan / retro said...

I suggest that you:
1. Exploit Zoe's immense charisma and photogenuity on all campaign paraphenalia... that will secure the "family values" bloc.
2. Also memorize the Obama book that you have for sale on your sidebar and just spatter off every catch phrase you can. This will confuse the religious left so you can make it through New Hampshire with a portion of their vote.
3. Change the subject anytime the Jesus Camp movie is brought up!

This could be the best thing since "Tanner 88" with Garry Trudeau!


Behaving Badly

Ronni said...

Oh now see... I promise to slather all of Dayton and Cinci with Bumper stickers covering all the still-existing "Gore" stickers all over this state that cause me dire stress.

Not only that, but I'd be willing to sing the star spangled banner on a kazoo for your inaugural address!


Randy Bohlender said...


I don't know if I've ever heard anyone sing on a kazoo. I'm quite sure I would remember that.

Leave the Gore stickers. They're a monument to our children...sort of a warning from the past of what could have been.

Greg Burnett said...

Are you for or against global warming?

An independent voter in Ft. Mill, SC

Ronni said...

Okay I'll yodel, and THEN play the kazoo...

I'm pretty talented some say...

...some... lolol

Ronni said...

Hubby just wanted me to add another campaign slogan for ya....

Remember if I win, Hillary doesn't.

ChriS & Yvette Ferguson said...

A Latte For every hand. An Esspresso maker in every home.

Mrs. I. said...

I hope the fact that I don't drink coffee won't hurt my chances of working at your campaign headquarters in PA. Where do we send our curriculum vitaes?!?! : )

carl said...

There was a post earlier in the week about anonymous commenting has been turned off. I see that it has not. Is this a veiled signal to some powerbase you are trying to woo?

And why don't you turn off popup comments so we can use cocomment? Do you have stock in a competing technology? Scared to have comments tracked? Hiding something?

And if you are really a missionary, how can you afford to drink so much coffee?

The voters deserve the truth!

Randy Bohlender said...

Dear Carl,

To clarify, I said you didn't need to sign in, you just needed to sign your name.

Also, please note that pop-up comments have been turned off. Thank you for your valuable suggestion to the campaign. Please consider matching that valuable suggestion with a valuable contribution.

Together, we can make a mess...


Matthew said...

What is your stance on federal funding for a "Day and Night Priesthood Culture of Life"?

Matthew Burnett,
ZHOP Inquirer

Randy Bohlender said...


My concern is less about the federal funding of "Day and Night Priesthood Culture of Life" and more with the grammatical debacle that the phrase seems to be.

When elected, I hope to bring congruency to liturature in a way my predecessors and opponents are not interested in doing.

It takes a village to conjugate a verb,

Randy Bohlender

troy said...

mr. future president,

i wish to declare my support for your candidacy. further, i wish to aid your campaigne for chaos as your campaign manager, or wv state party chairman.

my track record for making a mess along side your honor speaks for itself.

dumber things are happening right now....


Michaela said...


I think your alien voting will go over big here in Texas. I also think someone who is committed to dividing the nation will be a refreshing change from those who have been uniting us for decades now.

Please clarify your slogan, how big of a mess are you planning to make and how many groups of five voting felons will it take to clean said mess up in a day?

Concerned in Texas

Randy Bohlender said...

Troy, no one who knows you would doubt your mess making ability. Consider yourself the West Virginia officer of Chaos Control.

Esther Irwin said...

OH! I thought Troy said VW, not WV. That was really bugging me. I couldn't figure out what a VW had to do with your running for prez. Unless you were planning on getting a different vehicle, like a VW bus, to campaigne (or is it champaigne) in.

chuck said...

I think I can tie up the rural (pronounced: roo-rul)vote for you. I can work on the home-on-wheels community for you as well. BTW, Cletus says hi....I think you need to take position on tire and trash burning. What is your positon on the Slopes?

Randy Bohlender said...

My position on tire and trash burning has not changed. I try to position myself down wind whenever possible.
Together, we can make a mess -
Randy Bohlender