It's official. I'm in the ring.
I would like to use this opportunity to announce my entry into the race for the presidency of the United States. In recent days, Senators Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama both announced their candidacy. Looking across the political landscape, I realized that I had as good a chance as any, arguably better.
Rather than give you high minded answers to substantial, legitimate questions, allow me to give you a couple of phrases that you'll be hearing from my campaign staff in the months to come.
I'm a divider, not a uniter.
Unity is all the rage right now, what with a Republican White House and Democrat Everything Else in Washington Including the Toll Booth Operators. Both sides are claiming to be eager to work together to move forward. I say baloney. Goverment moving forward is the last thing we want. If elected, I promise four years of gridlock. In many cases, the less government does, the better.
One Alien, One Vote.
In good faith toward our legal aliens, I propose that everyone in this country from another country - at least one we're not at war with - is allowed one vote prior to becoming a US citizen. If they later choose to become a citizen, they need to sit one election out just to be fair. This deal does not apply to illegal aliens, who by nature of the phrase, were illegal before they were alien. I am also open to package voting that allows felons who have lost voting priveliges to vote as a package with other felons, at the rate of 5 felons to one vote, just to keep it interesting.
No Chai Left Behind Act
It is also my intention to enact legislation forbiding coffee houses from reusing the previous day's supplies, guaranteeing your coffee or tea will be both hot AND fresh in the morning.
My name is Randy Bohlender, and I'm running for President. I hope I can count on your vote - or the block vote of you and your friends - in 2008.
Together, we can make a mess.
Questions from the press will be entertained and perhaps addressed in the comment section. Be sure to state your name and the organization for which you are reporting. Thank you and good night.