1.01.2006

My Best Idea So Far This Year

OK, so here it is. Extreme Church Makeover.

I'm sure that with that title alone you're already far ahead of me, but let's just think together...you send the pastor and his family somewhere on vacation. Send'm to Disneyland. Unless they're Baptist, in which case you can send them here.

For a real fun time, find them 10,000 bottles of water and send them Burning Man. Drop my name at the gate and Actiongrrl will take good care of them.

As soon as their minivan turns the corner you absolutely wreck the church. Throw out that sacred portrait in the foyer. Paint the church bus in a new color scheme. Fire the organist. Run off the troublemakers. Tell the board that they're boring. Throw out the 386 that the poor secretary is trying to run Quickbooks on and buy'm a G5.

Take the few folks you have left, do a bunch of outreach, buy new church members if you have to (trust me, churches do it ever freakin' week) and give the church a new name that does not include any of the following words: fellowship, tabernacle, community, or anythingcreek.

Cancel the pastor's subscription to the denominational journals and give him a copy of Wired Magazine and a gift card to Amazon.com.

Then, bring the pastor and his family tan, well rested, and ready to go.

I hate tv. But I'd watch this.

7 comments:

chuck said...

can i help? i have all the tools for demolition, and am not afraid to use them. i think the state of your office will attest to that. :)

Sean MacNair said...

I like your suggestions, but in 10 years this same church then becomes the establishment and gets demolished for whatever is the current flavor of the month; the people who are "relevant" now are "preaching to the choir" in ten years; and the brand new church members will be looking for a name that doesn't include the words relevant or emergent.

What I'm saying is, it's very necessary to reach different generations with new wineskins, with the understanding that every "movement" becomes "institution" within 20 years (just ask the Jesus Movement), and the people who choose to cling to old wineskins love Jesus too. If we try new methods yet have a haughty attitude towards those who disagree, Jesus isn't blessing that. (And I'm not saying you do that, I'm speaking in a general way.)

I'd better stop now; any more typing and I'll have to start a blog entry of my own. Hmm... not a bad idea.

Anonymous said...

Randy Randy Randy--what about the poor old ladies who LIVE to decorate the altar with flowers? You'll scare them into oblivion.
jen

Anonymous said...

Randy,

You are hilarious! That would be the funniest reality program yet.

Blessings,

Hannah W.

Anonymous said...

BTW, have you been to jakecolsen.com? Unrelated topic, but possibly the best book ever written about the Church and following Jesus.

Hannah again.

Sean The Red said...

Randy, you do kind of have that Ty Pennington thing...

I can see you with a megaphone running around, secretly installing the Omega course on all the different plasma screens with suround sound etc...

And then that tearful "WOW" when the motorhome rolls away, and the pastor just realizes he has suddenly become "relevant". And then they go through all the coffe houses and prayer rooms filled with young kids, singing songs about holy violent love and the end times and Israel.

And then the realization hits them.... Its all theirs, forever!! They get to KEEP IT. And Randy is just sitting there doing confessionals about how much this meant to him, and how he really hopes for the future etc...

Id buy it on DVD.... lol.

Anonymous said...

Randy - I think we might kipe your ideas! Think that's what we're gonna be doin anyhow so bring a camera crew along for the ride!!!!! You and Troy can do that Ty thing!