OK, so here it is. Extreme Church Makeover.
I'm sure that with that title alone you're already far ahead of me, but let's just think together...you send the pastor and his family somewhere on vacation. Send'm to Disneyland. Unless they're Baptist, in which case you can send them here.
For a real fun time, find them 10,000 bottles of water and send them Burning Man. Drop my name at the gate and Actiongrrl will take good care of them.
As soon as their minivan turns the corner you absolutely wreck the church. Throw out that sacred portrait in the foyer. Paint the church bus in a new color scheme. Fire the organist. Run off the troublemakers. Tell the board that they're boring. Throw out the 386 that the poor secretary is trying to run Quickbooks on and buy'm a G5.
Take the few folks you have left, do a bunch of outreach, buy new church members if you have to (trust me, churches do it ever freakin' week) and give the church a new name that does not include any of the following words: fellowship, tabernacle, community, or anythingcreek.
Cancel the pastor's subscription to the denominational journals and give him a copy of Wired Magazine and a gift card to Amazon.com.
Then, bring the pastor and his family tan, well rested, and ready to go.
I hate tv. But I'd watch this.